


That’s Why His Hair Is So Big; It’s Full of Secrets

by Augment



Category: One Piece
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Jealousy, M/M, People Get Pinned Against Walls A Lot, Really Bad Innuendos, Sanji Makes a Brief Appearance, This Fic Has No Redeeming Qualities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 14:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9077011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augment/pseuds/Augment
Summary: Killer just wants to get laid. Zoro would quite like to get laid, too. An obvious solution presents itself. Kid absolutely does not agree with this arrangement. (Luffy might not be too happy about it either.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know where this came from, and I apologise, especially for the last line.
> 
> Listen, I’m making the Kid pirates nicer in this fic than they’ve been suggested to be in canon so far (to the extent that it’s in keeping with Luffy’s morals to form an alliance with them). And because Killer has appeared like twice in the series so far, I’ve taken liberties with his personality. I mean, let’s not pretend there’s any actual plot.

Captain Eustass Kid (and crew) board the Thousand Sunny with rather an excessive amount of ceremony. There to greet him is Straw Hat Luffy, grinning inanely, and most of Straw Hat Luffy’s crew, who stand dutifully behind their captain, sizing Kid up.

“Monkey D. Luffy,” Kid greets, but is interrupted by Killer stalking past him and making a bee-line for Straw Hat’s own first mate, who is lying peacefully on the warm grass of the Sunny’s deck. Roronoa Zoro is, to all intents and purposes, asleep, despite the importance of the meeting of Captains in their newly formed alliance.

(Later, Kid will complain bitterly to Law about the whole thing, and Law will just laugh and laugh.)

Killer stands over Zoro, one foot on either side of Zoro’s outstretched legs, his shadow casting across the swordsman’s face and blocking out the sun.

“I know you’re awake, asshole,” Killer says.

The corner of Zoro’s lip twitches up ever so slightly, though his eyes remain closed.

“Yeah?” Zoro drawls. “What’re you gonna do about it?”

Without waiting for a reply, Zoro swings a sheathed sword around in an arc behind Killer, hooks the hilt into Killer’s belt, and pulls him down to Zoro’s level.

Killer sits down rather hard, straddling Zoro, his knees now on either side of Zoro’s hips. Zoro has given up all pretense of sleep and is looking at Killer with hooded eyes and grinning rather smugly.

This is despite the fact that Killer has one of his scythe-like knives against Zoro’s throat, bare edge on tanned skin.

“How many near death experiences have you had lately?” Killer asks casually.

Zoro uses his own sword’s hilt to nudge Killer’s mask up onto his head, revealing the man’s handsome face.

“Around five,” is Zoro’s equally casual response.

“Want another?” Killer asks, leaning in. Their noses are almost touching, a bare whisper of air between their lips-

“Killer!” Kid’s sharp and angry reprimand shatters the moment.

Killer rolls his eyes, and sheathes his knife. He tips his mask back in place and in a fluid and graceful motion he moves off Zoro and strides back over to his captain, ignoring Kid’s glower. Zoro follows suit, levering himself off the ground, stretching languidly, and moving to stand behind Luffy.

Suddenly the day looks a lot more interesting.

(On the way past, Zoro nudges Sanji’s open mouth closed with the hilt of his sword.)

 

* * *

 

“What the hell was that?” Sanji demands a little while later, after the Kid pirates have returned to their ship for the night.

Zoro contemplates playing dumb, riling Sanji up until it starts a fight and he forgets the whole thing, but Nami’s glaring at them both from the other side of the deck and the woman has a mean right hook.

“We met on Sabaody. Killer was just saying hello,” Zoro says evasively.

“Seemed like a very friendly hello,” Sanji says suspiciously.

“Well, we’re friends. We’ve got a lot of things in common.”

“Like what?”

Zoro waves an arm vaguely. “You know, swords and stuff. Hey, isn’t that Luffy going into the kitchen?”

Sanji rolls his eyes at this poor attempt at a distraction. “Whatever you two are up to-” he begins warningly, but is interrupted but a loud noise from the direction of the galley, which is exactly the sort of noise that would be caused by a rubber man trying to get into a locked fridge, and Sanji is forced to bolt for the kitchen before all their supplies get eaten _again._

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about this!” he tosses over his shoulder to Zoro, who waves his hand in a ‘yeah, yeah’ motion and goes looking for a quiet corner of the ship where people won’t ask pointed questions about his sex life.

 

* * *

 

Killer drags Zoro away from the ‘yay we’re friends!’ festivities Luffy had insisted upon, and backs him up against a reasonably secluded wall. Killer tips his mask back, and kisses Zoro with all the intensity of the sexually frustrated.

Zoro laughs into the kiss, and grips Killer’s hips, pulling him closer.

“God, I need to get laid,” Killer gasps, pulling back slightly. “It’s been _years_.”

“Since Sabaody, huh?” Zoro murmurs, distracting Killer with soft kisses to the side of his lips. “Your captain not treating you right?”

“Don’t you fucking start. We’ve got the same problem, here.”

“You wanna keep talking, or you want me to use my mouth for something else?”

“You’re the opposite of subtle, has anyone ever told you that?” Killer presses Zoro closer to the wall, every inch of him lining up with the other man.

“It has been mentioned,” Zoro deadpans and Killer’s about to command another searing kiss when a dagger whistles through the air and embeds itself in the wood next to their heads.

“Fuck!” Zoro curses, jerking his head to the side.

Killer goes from teasing and flirtatious to furious anger in point three seconds flat. Over Killer’s shoulder Zoro can see Kid, also pissed off, chin jutting out mulishly and clearly the culprit responsible for the knife-throwing.

Killer doesn’t turn around, but leans back into Zoro’s space slowly and deliberately.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Killer whispers against Zoro’s lips, replaces his mask, and then hurls himself violently in the direction of Kid, probably to start a fight.

Zoro sighs, a tad wistfully. He was looking forward to a good bout of make-me-forget-about-my-captain sex. Guess he’ll have to make do with four extra sets of weights tonight.

 

* * *

 

“I have outlined our responses to your propositions,” Robin informs Kid sometime mid-afternoon, following up on that morning’s meeting.

“Uh huh,” Kid says distractedly. “I mean, good, we’ll talk about them. Has anyone seen Killer?” Kid peers suspiciously behind the door of Sanji’s kitchen, like Killer’s gone two-dimensional just to spite him.

There’s a chorus of negatives from most of the Straw Hats and a few of Kid’s crew who have decided that Sanji’s food is where it’s at.

Traitors.

“I did! He was heading down to the store room with Zoro,” Luffy says, jumping off the counter he was perched on. “I’ll show you!” he adds, in an uncharacteristic bout of helpfulness.

 

* * *

 

This time Killer has managed to not only get them alone, but behind a closed door and with both of their shirts off.

“Fucking finally,” Killer mutters into filthy kiss as he backs Zoro up until the back of the swordsman’s knees hit the edge of a box, and Zoro is forced to sit down.

“Your captain does like to talk, huh?” Zoro says, pulling Killer into his lap and making them both comfortable. Killer’s legs are wrapping themselves around Zoro’s waist in a very distracting manner, and his hands are working on Zoro’s button fly, having made short work of his own.

“I don’t want to _talk_ ,” Killer gripes. “I want-”

Killer is interrupted by the door banging open. Eustass Kid scowls at the both of them, and barks, “We’re heading back to the ship!” at Killer, before leaving as abruptly as he arrived and slamming the door behind him.

One of Killer’s knives embeds itself in the wood where scant seconds before Kid’s head would have been.

“I can see where he gets the knife-throwing from,” Zoro mutters.

Killer ignores him. “If he cockblocks me one more time, I’m going to fucking mutiny,” Killer seethes, as he aggressively pulls on his shirt. “Where the fuck is my mask?”

Zoro points to the floor near the door where Killer had dumped the thing. Killer grabs the mask and jams it on his head, then storms after Kid, leaving Zoro to make himself presentable at a more sedate pace.

 

* * *

 

After a tense couple of days of back and forth, the Kid pirates and the Straw Hat pirates are finalising the terms of their alliance. A small nearby island has been chosen as neutral ground, which pleases a lot of people because it involves a sandy beach and pleasant weather. Both pirate ships are moored nearby, and the majority of the fearsome pirates have spent the morning either building sandcastles or napping.

As the sun crests its zenith, it appears that talks are finally over. Well, they were over thirty minutes ago when Luffy lost interest in proceedings and started picking his nose, but Robin ploughed on fantastically. Kid can really respect her, you know? She’s been great for that diplomacy shit that apparently only Kid and the rest of the adults care about.

(Luffy had agreed to the alliance almost immediately and declared them all BFFs, which he seemed to feel covered all the important bases. Kid needs a little bit more than that.)

The rest of the two crews, who had been hanging around while the important players wrapped things up, start to head back to their respective ships.

Killer sidles as surreptitiously as he can towards the Thousand Sunny. Zoro sees him coming and grins, because apparently neither of them have learned anything from the last three times Killer tried this.

Killer is three steps from Zoro when Kid calls out.

“Killer.”

Killer freezes in his tracks, back to his captain. Zoro sees him tilt his head, his entire body language going dangerous. Zoro probably shouldn’t find that hot.

“You’re on watch tonight,” Kid commands. “On _our_ ship.”

Zoro shrugs. “I’ll join you,” he says to Killer, just loud enough to carry over to their two captains, because unlike Robin diplomacy may as well not exist in Zoro’s dictionary.

Kid looks apoplectic. The brand new alliance is seconds away from being dissolved because the captain of the Kid pirates attacked the Straw Hat’s first mate, but it’s Luffy who unexpectedly keeps the peace.

“Nah, Zoro, aren’t you on watch tonight too?” Luffy says, all innocent.

Zoro sighs in defeat.

The idea of Killer being separated from Zoro by two entire ships seems to calm Kid a little. Kid will admit this about Roronoa: the man if loyal. If Luffy tells him to stay put on the Thousand Sunny, that’s where he’ll stay. Like Killer, he’ll obey his captain – neither man will abandon their post – but that’s also not going to stop Kid from keeping a vigilant eye out tonight either.

Killer doesn’t acknowledge either captain. He takes the three steps necessary to close the gap between him and Zoro.

“Looks like this time it’s _your_ captain to blame,” he says lowly into Zoro’s ear, lifting his mask just enough to expose his lips. It looks far too intimate.

Then, because he’s an asshole, Killer gropes Zoro’s ass – in front of _everyone_ – and vaults on board his own ship, giving Kid the finger as he does so.

Kid glares daggers after his first mate. Luffy watches Zoro with his head tilted to the side and a blank look on his face. Zoro coughs awkwardly, blushing faintly, as he pivots on his heel and claims the relatively non-embarrassing safety of the Thousand Sunny.

 

* * *

 

“Oi, where’re you going?” Kid asks Killer as his first mate attempts to walk past carrying a bottle of alcohol in each hand. It’s just before midnight and the ‘thank fuck that’s over’ party (Kid’s words) is in full swing.

“I am going,” Killer enunciates in the tones of one who is already seeing the other side of tipsy, “to have a _drink_. Just. A Fucking. Drink.” He glares at his captain for good measure, and then continues weaving his way through the rest of the crew to where Zoro is lounging in a corner, a little apart from everyone but enjoying their antics.

Kid tries to burn holes in Killer’s back with his eyes, but Killer is beyond caring at this point.

“I just want to get laid,” Killer complains without preamble, wobbling slightly as he walks up to Zoro and hands him one of the bottles.

“It’s your own fault,” Zoro says, accepting it and taking a swig.

Killer looks deeply affronted. Then he realises the expression is lost on Zoro, takes his mask off, and tries again.

Zoro snorts at him and pulls the other man down to sit next to him.

“It is _not_ my fault,” Killer insists. “If it wasn’t for Captain Cockblock I’d be perfectly happy and perfectly laid. You know I tried this with Law?’

Zoro chokes on his alcohol, and looks at Killer incredulously. That would not even have occurred to him, no joke, from what Zoro could remember the man wore tragedy like high fashion.

“Is he even an option?” Zoro asks, faintly fascinated by the idea.

“I don’t know! I didn’t get a chance to find out!”

Killer tips his bottle back, emptying the last of the dregs down his throat, and tosses it over the side of the ship.

(In fact, he misses, and dings Usopp’s nose, but no one notices.) (Except Usopp.)

Killer pulls another bottle out from – Zoro’s pretty sure – from his hair.

“You do jump every time your captain calls,” Zoro observes.

“You should talk!” Killer retorts.

“We’re not talking about me,” Zoro hedges. “You _can_ ignore him, you know. It won’t kill him.”

“It might kill _me_ ,” Killer mutters. “You don’t think I’ve tried?” He stabs the air with his bottle, intensely frustrated.

“Thing is. Thing is,” Killer says, abruptly switching track. “I’ve _offered_. He just won’t _take_.”

“God, I wish he would _take_ ,” Killer whines, slouching further down. “It would be so _good_. He likes knives. _I_ like knives.” By this point Killer is not only several sheets to the wind but a few eiderdowns as well. “We could have sex _with_ knives,” Killer adds wistfully.

“Sounds inadvisable,” Zoro says, rescuing the bottle from Killer’s wild gesturing before he wastes perfectly good alcohol. Zoro drains the rest of his own bottle, and then the rest of Killer’s. For safety.

“Sounds _awesome_ ,” Killer corrects. “He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. I have a great dick.” Killer looks at Zoro expectantly.

“You have an excellent dick,” Zoro agrees placatingly.

“He has an excellent _what_?” demands a new voice, and both first mates attempt to focus on the newcomer, one with considerably more difficulty than the other.

“Eustass!” Killer says with a good deal too much enthusiasm. Zoro snickers into the empty bottle because Eustass is a funny name and apparently he’s at that stage of the evening.

“Wait, wait,” Killer flaps a hand at his captain. “Lemme just-” he trails off as he gropes around on the ground next to him. Killer makes a happy noise of triumph when he locates his mask, and then an outraged noise of betrayal when Kid snatches it out of his hand.

“You don’t need that,” Kid says belligerently. “Come on.”

Kid hauls Killer up by one arm, and starts dragging him off to their own ship.

“Bye, Zoro!” Killer says, because he’s a little shit. He twists around to wave at Zoro and treats Kid to a mouthful of his blond hair.

Kid splutters, glares at Zoro, and drags Killer away faster.

Zoro waves back, realises what he’s doing, and drops his hand hastily. Now bereft of company, the swordsman looks around to see if there is any more booze forthcoming, or if he’s actually going to have to fetch some himself.

A bottle is flung across the deck, and Zoro has enough reflexes left to catch it before it brains him. Luffy, halfway through a plate-balancing competition with Usopp, waves at him, and gives him a thumbs up. (Plates go crashing everywhere.)

Zoro absolutely does not feel warm and fuzzy inside, and he definitely doesn’t give Luffy a small, sweet smile in return.

 

* * *

 

A presence makes itself known standing over Killer’s prone form as he lies on his back, eyes closed, in the blessed, cool dark of the Kid pirates’ pantry the following morning.

“Oi,” says the presence, identifying itself as Roronoa Zoro.

“Ugnnnn,” is Killer’s reply.

Something cool and hard knocks gently against Killer’s head. He cracks one eye open, and sees Zoro crouching beside him, tapping his head with a glass full of unidentifiable liquid.

“Drink this,” the man commands.

“No,” says Killer, on principle.

Zoro sighs. “Look, don’t tell him I said this, but our cook has a fucking amazing hangover remedy.”

Killer opens his eyes and looks at both the glass and what little he can make out of Zoro with intense suspicion. “I’ve heard that before. It involves raw egg and anchovy sauce, and I’m not interested.”

“Kid was looking for you earlier,” Zoro says in apparent non-sequitur. “He might have seen me come down here.”

Killer winces.

“Would you rather deal with him with a headache or without?” Zoro asks.

“He _gives_ me a headache,” Killer gripes, but sits up and takes the glass from Zoro. He takes a couple of deep breaths, then downs the contents in one go.

Killer pulls a face of such distaste that Zoro has to bite back a laugh, but after a few moments Killer’s expression changes to that of amazement.

“Fuck me,” Killer says in the awed tones of the converted. “What was _in_ that?”

“Dunno, Sanji won’t tell me. Also, see how I did _not_ make a joke about fucking you, because you’re in pain and I’m a gentleman.”

“Your restraint is noted,” Killer says dryly. All traces of his hangover are, miraculously, gone. Killer would kiss Sanji if he didn’t think it would earn him a boot to the face. “Though my statement still stands, in all of its meanings.”

“I take it Kid isn’t the sort to take advantage of drunk and needy first mates?” Zoro says, only slightly mockingly, as he stands up from his crouch and arches his back to stretch it.

“That’s just it,” Killer says, likewise standing up. “Eustass _is_ , _exactly_ the sort. What the hell is his problem?”

Zoro shrugs. “Stick your hand down his pants,” he suggests, because that’s worked for Zoro before. With Killer, for one.

Killer reaches past Zoro and flips on the light. Both men squint as their eyes adjust to the sudden brightness.

“You think I haven’t tried? I’m starting to think he doesn’t want me.”

Zoro is about to suggest, even though he doesn’t believe it for a second, that maybe Kid is just a staunch supporter of celibacy, when the door to the pantry is kicked violently open.

Fully clothed, in the light, and standing at least two feet apart, both first mates treat Kid to unimpressed stares.

“This is getting really old,” Killer says as he jabs an accusing finger at Kid.

“Get the fuck off my ship,” Kid addresses Zoro.

Zoro narrows his eyes at Kid, but the captain is looking at Killer, who’s staring defiantly right back. This is clearly An Issue between Kid and Killer and Zoro really doesn’t want to get in the middle of it. _Way_ too much drama.

“Rude,” mutters Zoro, as he pushes past Kid in the doorway, giving him a passive-aggressive shoulder bump on the way out for good measure.

“Where did you put my mask?” Killer demands.

“Why don’t you ever take it off around me?” Eustass counters.

“What?” Killer’s annoyance is tempered with confusion.

Eustass shifts, slightly embarrassed but mostly pissed off and not a little jealous. “You take it off around Roronoa, or you let him take it off you, but whenever I show up it’s always back on your face.”

Killer stares at Eustass incredulously. “ _That’s_ your problem? Seriously?”

Eustass sniffs defiantly.

Killer drags a hand over his face. “Are you fucking kidding me,” he mutters indistinctly.

“When I have the mask on,” Killer explains in the tone of one who’s going to be patient with his idiotic captain if it kills him, “I am Captain Eustass Kid’s first mate. I am Killer. Everybody recognises it; everybody knows who I am right away. It also terrifies them,” Killer adds with happy satisfaction.

“I take it off,” Killer continues, “when I’m having a bit of a break from being a ruthless, murdering pirate. I also take it off when it gets in the way of doing something, like showering,” Killer takes a step towards his captain, “or drinking,” another step, “or kissing,” a final step brings him chest to chest with Eustass.

“Or sucking cock,” Killer finishes his sentence at a whisper, his lips brushing those of his captain’s.

“So you’re telling me,” Eustass says with a certain amount of hunger, “that if _I_ were to be involved in these activities-”

“Fucking hell, _yes_ ,” Killer says, losing patience and savagely kissing Eustass.

Eustass responds with enthusiasm, pulling Killer around until he’s sandwiched between the wood of the pantry door and Eustass’ body. Eustass works a leg in between both of Killer’s until his first mate is almost suspended off the floor, supported by the wall, Eustass’ thigh, and Eustass’ very eager hands.

Killer really wants to make a quip about being between a hard place and another hard place, or having wood on one side and a door on another, but his higher brain functions seem to feel that having accomplished their main task – to wit, getting Killer laid – they are about due for a vacation.

“I can’t believe it took you this long to catch a clue,” is the best Killer can manage to gasp out, head thumping against the wall as Eustass decides neck biting is an essential part of foreplay. Killer’s moan indicates he definitely approves of this.

“Shut up,” is Eustass’ contribution, and that’s all either of them say for quite a while.

 

* * *

 

“See ya later Metal Guy!” Luffy wildly waves as the Kid pirates depart sometime the following day.

Kid scowls at the nickname, his displeasure still clearly visible from the deck of his ship. As the ship recedes into the distance, the rest of the Straw Hat crew watch as Killer leans into his captain and says something in his ear. In response, Kid pushes back Killer’s mask, kisses him fiercely, and then pulls the mask back in place. Kid, now clearly in a much better mood, then moves off to shout orders at the rest of his crew, but not before slapping Killer on the ass in passing.

“Looks like they worked out their problems,” Sanji observes. He watches Zoro out the corner of his eye.

Zoro looks back innocently. “Yeah, guess so.”

“So all that,” Sanji waves his hand in the air in front of Zoro, “with you and”, Sanji flips his hand between Zoro and the fast disappearing Kid pirates. “It was to make Kid jealous, right? You were helping them get together?”

“Something like that,” Zoro mutters.

“That’s nice of Zoro,” Luffy says with an edge to his voice that has Zoro eyeing him suspiciously.

“But we probably won’t see them for a while, huh, Zoro?” Luffy continues cheerfully.

“Dunno,” Zoro says warily. “Probably not?”

“Good.” Luffy claps his hands together. “Sanji, meat,” he commands, dismissing the cook. Then, as he turns towards his first mate with a distinct leer about his expression, “Zoro, meat!”


End file.
